“He gaslighted me over many years”… read the story of Melanie*

I met Ben in 2009. He was charming, outgoing, the life and soul of the party. We ended up getting together really quickly – which looking back was a red flag. I fell pregnant the first time we had sex together, and we decided to keep the baby and make a go of things.

I started to notice that Ben had issues. He loved dining in fancy restaurants and driving fancy cars, but he was actually facing his second bankruptcy. He was really into cocaine. He portrayed himself as a good businessman, but his impulsive behaviours led to bad decisions which he did not learn from.  

I stayed with him for around 7 years or so and we brought our son up together. He persuaded me to invest all of my savings in his failing businesses, and he always had an excuse for his bad behaviours. Looking back I was hoodwinked – under his spell. Until the day when a family member told me about some photos they had seen of Ben behaving in a sexual way with a very young woman. At the time we had just bought a house together, so I said to him “I will back you 100% if you tell me this is a lie.” At that point, he reversed the tables and told me it was my fault and I needed to get a job. I remember thinking to myself “how is this my fault?” Somewhere inside myself, I realised this was a desperate attempt for him to retain control, and the penny started to drop. 

Things escalated as he realised his facade was crumbling and he did everything possible to preserve his reputation. He told our families that I didn’t like them, and this culminated in a family member assaulting me. One day he attacked me, and in self defence I pushed him away with my hands. He took photos of his scratched face to use as evidence against me to bad mouth me to his friends. I started being seriously worried for my safety, so I moved in with my sister for a few months.

The following months were really difficult as I tried to navigate child contact visits with him. He was incredibly aggressive and angry and accused me of poisoning my son against him. I could have refused contact but I knew if he did that he would go to the family courts and he was such a sophisticated con man that I knew he’d wrap CAFCASS around his little finger and they’d believe him, not me.

I got some support from a local domestic violence service, who made sure that I wasn’t at immediate risk. But emotionally I was a complete wreck. My head felt like a volcano exploding, I was getting 3 or 4 hours sleep per night. I was hyper vigilent the whole time, and my son was really clingy.  

Someone from Barnardo’s put me in touch with Safety Net, and it was at that point that everything began to make sense. I had therapy and support work over several months and I began to realise that I had spent 7 years of my life with a real sociopath. The reason I was stuck and hadn’t been able to leave despite all the problems – the bankruptcy, the drugs, the endless rumours of other girls – was because of something called cognitive dissonance. I wasn’t able to tell what was real and what was not, what part of him was real and what was not. He had gaslighted me over many years. My mind was trying to find more and more distorted pieces of evidence for the less painful belief, which was that he was a good person and I was not being psychologically, emotionally and financially abused.

I received support from Safety Net for several months, and they helped me realise that the reason I had been attracted to Ben was probably because of my narcissistic father. I started to heal and reduce my anxiety. I started researching how to manage someone with this sort of personality, by using a method called the Grey Rock technique. This helped me to manage the contact visits. I feel safe now and I have peace, and partly this is a result of the support I’ve received from Safety Net. I couldn’t have done it without them.

* Names have been changed to ensure anonymity. If you would like support after reading this client case study, please contact us today.